The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
