Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
