My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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