he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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