I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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