I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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