Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
