Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
