if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
