who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
