Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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