Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
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Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
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meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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