Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
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