Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
