My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
