His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
