This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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