Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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