my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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