I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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