She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
