after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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