Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
