Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
