community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
