the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Randomize
