The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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