why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
