Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
My life is pants optional.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
