now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
no, he came in my armpit
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
