In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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