i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
as a side note pls kill me
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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