I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
