You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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