Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
