I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
