The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You can't special order awesome
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Randomize
