I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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