I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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