I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
