i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
