just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
