The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
