She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
