i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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