i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
