i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
