I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
