You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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