i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Randomize
