I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
