Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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